Lately the situation with my brother is on shaky grounds again. I can almost feel the ground begin to break beneath us. Small cracks have already compromised the stability of the living conditions we've formed over the past months. Rules were set. Boundaries established. Yet somehow we let them all fall apart.
When I look at him, I feel two distinct emotions: pity and happiness. The two couldn't be further apart. Neither could my disposition towards him.
I pity him because of all the experiences he will never have and the life that has been so forcefully taken from him. There are so many missed opportunities and so many goals that are impossible to attain. It seems harsh to say that I pity him, but I can't really say that I'm happy about all of it. Fate really is a bitch, isn't she? Is it wrong to pity a man who doesn't even realize he has something to be pitied for?
Luckily, I'm also tremendously happy for my brother because somehow I know that this terrible and cruel world will never get to him. He will never have to suffer the pain of bad judgement or the shame in humiliation. Maybe he does, but I don't think so. I think in some way, his mind has chosen to block out certain negative impulses to allow my brother to live some semblance of a life. Therefore I honestly believe him to be content with his current situation. The humble joy of helping the elderly, the dignified sense of belonging from going out to buy bread or the newspaper, the chance to live life without regrets.
Sometimes I wish I could follow him around for just one day, see the way he spends it and how he feels. Most of the time, it's guesswork as to how he's feeling or what he's thinking. It always fascinates me to think about how he feels when I say something to him or even the things he'd dream about. I think that if I could just take a peek inside his head for one second, I could gain an infinite amount of information and a new -and better- way to approach him and his situation.
It's never easy to deal with autism. It was hard before I knew he had it and it's still hard after the verdict was passed. I can't imagine I'll ever feel different one day. Guess it'll just be one of those things you carry around for the rest of your life. I can only hope that one day I'll be able to understand him better and then maybe we can slowly start the recovery process back to the place we've long ago drifted away from.
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