When I was studying in Ghent I fell in love with this amazing girl. She wasn't what most people viewed as pretty, but to me she was beautiful. She had this wonderful personality and we seemed to connect almost instantly. I loved spending time with her and I hated it when we weren't together. In the first week that we knew each other we were able to tell our deepest secrets to one another, it was like there were no boundaries, we could share everything.
There was this night where we were both lying in my bed. Face to face. We were talking about love and relationships and discussing if maybe we had a future together. Later she told me there was a moment that she wanted to kiss me. And maybe if she had, thing would've been different. Maybe that'd been the moment that defined us, that solidified the persons we were going to be and set the destination where we were going to end up.
But our story was never meant to have a happy ending. She changed schools in Febuary and we saw less of each other. But I wasn't ready to let her go just yet. I came clean and told her of my feelings for her. She instantly reciprocated, but she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I understood, because I knew what she'd been going through, so I respected her wishes. I still made sure that I was in her life. We went to diner, the movies, spent time at each other's place. We really discovered a new sense of intimacy and somehow we became more than friends, but less than lovers. But I was okay with that.
In the Summer I suggested we meet again (our schedules were hectic back then with vacations, holiday work and studying for the exams in August). Sadly, after weeks of searching for matching openings in our agendas, she cancelled on the final possible day. I took this as a sign that she didn't really wanted to be with me.
So I texted "I guess I know what your answer is now".
At that time I had also decided to change schools as well and go study in Brussels. Then she took this as something to throw back into my face saying I was the one who had given up on us by leaving. We had a huge fight and decided it was best if we didn't see each other anymore.
I deleted her from Facebook - well, can you blame me? I didn't want to be reminded of her every single time I'd open the webpage: X has been tagged in this photo, X will attend this event and so on. Immediately I was called upon it. "Why did you cut me out of your life like that?" Another fight follows. There was little chance of reconciliation at that point.
The choices we'd made, the words we'd said and even the words we hadn't said had come between us. Silence had paved the way for fighting and resentment. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change it. To just change one thing. See where it would lead to. Can one word really change it all? I actually doubt it. Sometimes it's not so much the words that can drive two persons apart, but the very persons themselves. Maybe we didn't have what it took to be a couple? Maybe we had a window of opportunity and we just gazed at it and watched it pass us by and disintegrate into nothingness.
The truth is, I will never know and maybe that's for the best.
Now all that remains of a relationship that once held so much promise and prosperity are quick glances at parties, silent questions that will always remain without answers, altered perspectives, fractured friendships and a dual sense of regret, sorrow and sadness.
I've always promised myself that I would not let this change me, that I would come out of it stronger. I was wrong about one thing. It has changed me. It has made me realize that you have to be very careful to who you upon up your heart and your life to. But I'm glad that I know this now. Because it has made me stronger and it has defined me as a person. Only thing is, I don't really know yet if it'was for the best.
I can only hope that this experience will one day be able to make me smile or that I can look back upon it all and be happy for the time that I did get to spend with her. And I hope that it is true what they say:
Tragedy + Time = Comedy
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