It's just one of those nights when you can't seem to fall asleep and you start to wonder off to the most inner depths of your mind, painfully and heartbreakingly bringing back the experiences you thought you never had to deal with again.
It feels like an old wound that's being ripped open, regardless of the fact whether you want to or not. It hurts. It keeps you from falling asleep.
I try to block the thoughts out, but they keep breaking through, as if they have a mind of their own. As if they want to be heard.
Every fibre in my body begins to tense. I feel my back beginning to burn. I need to do something, write it down, maybe that way I can deal with it faster, even though I know this isn't the type of problem that has a quick and easy solution. This is me, and the choices I've made and that I can never take back. But somehow, today, tonight, at this hour, I want to. I want to stop myself from sending that email. Control + A and delete. Seems easy enough.
Erase it. All of it. Take it back. I want to do things differently. I want to see her again at the party and talk to her, hold her. I can't get her out of my mind. Steadily the flow of memories creeps into my mind. The echoes of our past. Do I give in to them? Is this just a flash of nostalgia? Or do I just want to try and correct a mistake that I've made? The question is: "Should I?" Is it my right to shake up her whole world again, after all this time has passed? Maybe she's moved on. Or maybe, just maybe, she's thinking the exact same thing. Maybe. Such a beautiful word. Holds so much promise.
The whole situation is just fucked up. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this right now? Why didn't I think it through before? I lost her. I pushed her away. How can I expect that she'll welcome me back with open arms? I don't deserve that.
All I can think about is this stupid line Mr Big said in "Sex and The City": "I know I screwed up - but I will love you forever." How come I didn't think of it before, back when it still mattered?
Her name keeps buzzing through my head. I need to do something, anything. But not now, it's late and I'm in no position to think rationally or even sanely. I'd hate to see my emotions getting the best of me and see history repeat itself. I need to do it right this time.
But what if I wake up and I feel completely different? What if this feeling doesn't come back? Is it something worth pursuing? Should I? God, I'm so messed up! I'm like an emotional train wreck, the pieces of my life strewn around me and my thoughts all twisted. Total-loss.
I'm afraid that the longer I wait, the further away I let her slip. She's already so far away. A good chance that she's already gone. Can't say that I blame her. She deserves to be happy. I owe her that much. I just wish we could have been happy together. Guess there's always tomorrow, right?
But what do I say? What do I say to make her believe in me again, in us? What can I say that will right all the wrongs, make her forgive me? What do I say so she'll let me back in her life? Is it still possible?
For M. - I'm sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment