With the push of a button

Social network sites. Often hailed as the flagships of online communication, but nobody bothers to tell you it can also be the reason for the collapse of said communication.

By know, you're all caught up with my history with M., but today I received a veritable core-shaking blow. A severe heart trauma for which there is no known cure - except maybe redemption. To think that the order of certain letters and the clicking of a button could lead to something so disastrous and yet so full of hope seems almost unbelievable. 

It started off with me typing in her name. Those seventeen letters that formed those four words that I knew all too well and that I could never erase from my mind - even if I wanted to. I typed them into one of those million search boxes scattered across the world wide web. With a slighty trembling hand I pressed the button "Search". In the past, this had worked out so well for me, reconnecting with past friends, getting to know new ones and keeping up with the ones I already had, but it had also disconnected me from the people that I had once loved.

In life there are some people who become persona non grata and to which all access is denied or blocked - as the correct internet term would have it. Up until ten minutes ago, I thought M. belonged to that group. For eight months I had blocked her and in response she did the same to me. Seemed only natural by the way we had let it crash and burn.

Sometimes I would find myself wandering off to see how she was doing. I would find loopholes that would allow me to see her profile. Alas, reason got the best of me and closed the page, wiping her picture from the screen. It always left me feeling empty and regretful.

But a few nights ago, I decided I didn't want her to not see me anymore, so I unblocked her. I still couldn't see her though, but I didn't mind that. I just wanted to ease the tension that had been built up between us. Let her know I was still there, waiting, hoping. A small act, one which I never expected to have any consequences.

Apparently it did. It would be roughly thirteen minutes ago that I discovered she had unblocked me too. For the first time in eight months I could see her profile, no loopholes needed. She looked great, as she always did. It made me feel bad when I realized all the shit I had put her through. She didn't deserve that.

To this day, I still can't figure out why I overreacted. Was it my fear of me not getting what I wanted? Was I afraid of rejection? Or was it fate? Whatever the reason, there's nothing I can do about it now. To make matters worse, when she tried to re-establish contact, I pushed her even further away, seemingly shutting the door forever, only I didn't want that.

I have no idea if she will ever read this blog, or if she will ever read anything that I'll write, but if she does, I just want her to know that the door is still open. The door is open. If you will have me.