Hi everyone! It feels weird to be back in the country. I know I'm no longer in France, but I'm feeling kind of in between the two. Sure, it wasn't the most amazing of vacations, but it offered a solace that you can rarely find in the hustle and bustle of our cities.
The night I came home, I could already feel it. As I was sitting on the train, part of me immediately fell back into its old routine of getting on and off trains, in and out of buildings and walking around all of the familiar places. But there was another part of me that longed for something else. Something that I knew could not be found here. Saint-Pierre la Mer offered a place where you could be alone with your thoughts and not be hampered by mothers, fathers, brothers or any other kinds of interruption.
It was on a beach there that I made my decision to end my relationship. First off, I want you to know that I've given it a lot of thought as to whether or not I should post this on my blog. I just feel like, since this blog is a part of me and in no way a part of us, this should be something that I can write here. I'm not looking for sensationalism by saying it's over on this anything-but-private medium, but if I'm honest with myself, I can't imagine keeping quiet about a thing like this. Besides, you all have Facebook so by now you're surely caught up as well.
The truth is that, on my end, there have been several doubts about us lately. These doubts were my own and I chose not to tell her about them, seeing as how I did not want to upset her. Okay, I can guess what you're going to say, maybe if I'd told her, we could work them out together? Wrong, because they were my doubts and all the talking in the world couldn't make me shake these thoughts. I've always known that true love was never meant for me. Not only do I not believe in it, I also find it hard to wrap my head around the thought of two people together for the rest of their lives. I mean, there are billions of people in this world. The thought that there is just one of them out there that is perfect for you, let's just say we might as well shoot ourselves in the face now. If all we can do is hope and wait for that special someone, we risk the chance of losing a lot of other potentially life-altering people in the process.
Between us, we had this little idea, or rather fantasy, about what our lives were going to look like in ten to twenty years. I don't think it differed much from what other couples dream about: a bunch of kids running around the house screaming, a nice job that pays the bills and a sense of bliss that seems to be inexhaustible. In the beginning, this all sounds wonderful and you can't wait for the future to arrive. But the thing I feared most was the moment that I would begin to wonder 'What if?'.
No matter how happy you are in life, there will always be certain times, places, songs, books or even looks that will make you stop and think about all the things you've done that've brought you to this point. If you're a happy-go-lucky person with no concerns, no complexes and no regrets then you'll find that you have nothing to be sorry about. But if, at some point, there was a fork in the road of your life where you went right, there now comes a time when you start to think about what would've happened if you'd gone left.
Granted, there are always choices to be made, roads to take and others not to, but sometimes, you just wonder. Now if it's just the two of you, then the threat is not so great. Sure, there's the emotional baggage equivalent to the mass of a small continent, but emotions are easier to walk away from than solidified proof of those emotions, say children. The thought of having to look my children in the eyes and say that Mommy and Daddy aren't doing okay and that they're going to split up, breaks my heart. Plus, I don't want to be that guy who wakes up after twenty years of marriage and realizing that things could've been different.
It's not fair to her for me to think this way, but my thoughts and perceptions are mine and mine alone. As much as I would like to say that there is just one simple explanation that says it all, I know that there isn't one. Relationships aren't easy. Sometimes, a doubt is seeded at the base of the relationship and with time, it grows and grows until finally, it overtakes the mind and forces it to re-evaluate everything. Relationships aren't like math, there are no equations to calculate our Happily Ever Afters. There are only A's and B's and the occasional X's that influence the relationship positively or negatively. The thing about X's is, you never know which one you're going to get.
No comments:
Post a Comment