Deadlocked

I don't know what's wrong with me all of a sudden. I don't even know how I got to this conclusion, but here it is and I'm putting it out there for all the world to know since there's gotta be others out there who feel as conflicted as me.

In this hyperspeed-world where money and career and standing means everything, something's gotta give, right? The universe has to throw us a bone in some way to make up for all the inevitable defeats we have to suffer through? I know the Fates have dealt me some bad cards, but I just figured, to hell with it, you know, sooner or later, I'd see at least one of my dreams come true.

Here I am, forced out of my bed because my head would not power down. I don't even know what brought me to this point. I mean, I asked her to give me time, to leave me be for a while so I could let her go. It's been 8 days. So why am I thinking about it now? Why can't I get her out of my head?

A while ago, a friend of mine asked me if I posted personal things on my blog, well, I guess this answers that question. Doesn't get any more personal than my love life. I guess this is just my new way of dealing with things.

Now, I'm not putting this all out there just for show-and-tell or to fill some non-existent blog-quota. I just felt I owed it to myself to translate my rampant thoughts into something solid and creative. And okay, maybe I kinda hope that by the time I typed the last word and edited the last thing on this blog, I would have it all figured out. So far, no deal.

I asked her to choose. Blatant move, I'll admit, but I kinda hoped it was a safe bet. I kinda hoped the bet would turn out in my favour. By now, you all know it didn't. So I had to end it, because I knew I could not allow myself to become any more tangled up in all of it. I took myself out of the equation. Yet the result still adds up to zero.

I don't know how she's been this past few days. I don't know if she misses me or if she's thought about me. I tried not to myself, but as we can all clearly see and read, I'm not over her. In fact, I'm dedicating yet another blog to her.

I can kill myself for acting this way. This is not me. I don't obsess over lost causes. But maybe, just maybe, it's not such a lost cause to begin with? 

I keep playing this fantasy version of my life over and over in my head and in each and every one of them, she's there, dominating the scene. I had her. Or at least, I thought I did. All I want is for her to say those four words. Those four words that tell me I'm what she wants, I'm what she needs and I'm the one she chooses to be with.

You. Are. The. One.

Why can't she say them? Why can't I say them to her? Why didn't she choose me? I know she reads this blog, so I'm putting it out there. You are the only one who can answer these questions that I have. I want to text you myself, but it's gotta be you to make the first move. You are the one holding all the cards, all I have is this blog and my private thoughts. If you want me, all of me, I'm here. Waiting. But there's a condition. I want you too. All of you. You know what I mean.