As I'm turning 20 in less than 48 hours, I can't help myself from reminiscing about the past 19 years of my life. They say that the gift for remembering and cherising the past is often reserved for those currently living in retirement homes or people who don't have anything better to do with their lives (I guess since I'm not a member of the senior population yet, I must be quite bored). Still, it's nice to take a moment in the present and look at your past, without worrying too much about the future. The truth is, you can't stop the future, it's coming, going, gone, BOOM, it has become the past again. So there, no point in losing sleep over that issue.
My thoughts are skipping uncontrollably between my infancy, my time at pre-school, elementary, high school, college, university, parties, people I've met, people I've lost, girlfriends, sexual encounters, booze-induced mistakes, movies I've seen, books I've read, music I've listened to and all the other silly and frivolous things that make up a life.
I saw a movie once and it stuns me a little that I can't remember its name (I'm usually quite good at that, could I be getting Alzheimer's already?), but I do remember this wonderful quote:
"I love this spot, it's like Heaven right here on earth, maybe that's what Heaven is, maybe we go through life collecting people and places we love and they become in our Heaven and that's where you mom is, she in her Heaven surrounded by everything that she loves... including you."
I like the thought of Heaven being a place where everything you've loved in life comes together. Just imagine a place with all your favourite people, books, places and music. I think that'd be a great way to spend eternity.
Naturally, I'm thinking about all the people and places I love and what my own piece of Heaven would look like. I think, most of all, it'd be a place of complete and utter chaos, but the good kind of chaos, because I love so many different things in life. Things so far apart, they might as well come from two different planets. I love the feeling of being with someone you love, but I also love being alone, just me, myself and I. I love living life to its fullest, taking chances and risking it all (even it that means losing it all), but I also crave the safety and security that being careful and prudent offers.
But I'm especially chaotic when it comes to the people in my life. I've seen a lot of people come and go in my life and although, on some level, I regret having lost some of them, it doesn't consume me with remorse. The way I see it, life is like this massive roadtrip across a seemingly desolate landscape. Imagine those endless concrete strips stretching from one horizon to the next with nothing in between. That's kind of how I see life, you never know what's right around the bend or over the hill. The unexpectedness and randomness, that is what makes up a life. Because the truth is, we never know what's going to happen next. We don't know when our car's going to brake down, where our next stop is or who we invite to come along with us. And sooner or later, your car is going to break down, you are going to have to stop somewhere and you will have to find people to share your journey with.
Of course, we all know the duality that lies in that last part. People are either in for the long haul, or they're just in for the ride, onto their next destination. Actually, that sounds like a horrible way to refer to people! Wow, have these last few weeks made me so bitter? There's a side of me I didn't know existed...
Okay, allow me the chance to set things right: I don't think of people as disposable, first of all. But I do know that, at one point or another, you have to let go of them. You have to let them get on with their own lives. Which is not to say that friends are on some kind of rotation device, a revolving door of some sort to alternate between different friends at different times in your life.
Hmm... Clearly, I've taken a wrong turn somewhere in my line of thought, so to avoid continuing onto this wayward path, I'll just delete the last few paragraphs.
Maybe just this one phrase to make up for past mistakes: people come and go, but the ones who stay are the ones who'll never leave you. And on that sentimental note, I'll leave this whole thing behind me.
So there, I'm half an hour closer to turning 20 and hopefully, by the time the 1 and the 9 turn into a 2 and a 0, I'll have it all figured out. No mistakes. No deleted entries. No bitterness. Just me in my twenties. The start of a whole new chapter. My hands are already aching to begin writing it.
Oh, sorry, that's Life calling and I gotta take it! Until we 'meet' again, dear Bloggers!
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