Remember when I talked about having it all, in this blog? And in this one, I talked about how this little voice keeps warning me to prepare for something bad whenever something good happens to me? Well, boys and girls, I've reached that fork in the road again. It's not your average fork as well, mine's got two tines, specifically, so it's more like a relish fork.
Some things have happened to me in the past few weeks (and one just a few days ago) that have split my world in two. I find myself torn between two women, one of these is known, the other one is the future Mrs Dubuisson, aka Mrs Right, but since I haven't found her yet, I'll call her the X-factor for the sake of understanding. The other one, the girl I know and care about, I'll call Eden (because I think this is a very beautiful name and I'd like to call my daughter that some day).
So, without delving into the history books about Eden and me, which I'd have to say is ready for its fifth volume by now, I'll just dive right in to the point where it all started to go South.
The date is the 27th of Octobre. Eden and I are sitting in a small café, enjoying each other's company and other things. What started out as something casual and friendshippy, became something deeper and more than friendshippy. Alas, like a Greek tragedy or a Shakespearian play, our relationship had a fatal flaw of its own: Eden has a boyfriend. At first, the whole BF-thing wasn't really an issue, since I wasn't into her in that way, but now...
So, after that fateful day in the café, I was pretty convinced she'd dump the BF and choose me, since she said she's always thinking about me, wanting to be near me and all the other stuff that you really only say unless you're in love. I got pretty cocky and presumed I'd prevail over the BF. But then it struck me, we've been going at it like this for weeks and still: no change in conditions. I started thinking if there'd ever be a day when I'd get to call her my own?
The next day, I was out having dinner with friends which resulted in a steady flow of drinks thereafter. The night carried on into a club and I got pretty close to someone else I know really well. But I couldn't get my mind off Eden, so I texted her, said I missed her and wished she was here. Of course, she couldn't possibly come to me, since it was already three in the morning and there were no trains. Still, I missed her.
The night morning rode on, and some things happened, some things which caused the creation of the relish fork. It wasn't just those things that caused it, really. Like I said, I've always doubted the existence of the X-factor, the one I'm meant to be with, so I've always been skeptical about relationships.
I thought I found X a while ago, but my mind contradicted it and I abided by it. And now that I found someone who seemed to complete the things that X was lacking, she had a BF. Here I had this girl with whom I had an amazing connection; we could talk about anything, talk for days and not get bored of each other, and then there's Eden with whom I have this unbelievable chemistry, but which doesn't quite translate to the verbal world. So where does that leave me? Unless splicing becomes a reality over the next few days, I doubt I'll be able to fuse these two women together into the X-factor.
In a nutshell (a bit ironic to summarize it, since this blog is already quite bulky):
- I have this truly wonderful thing with Eden, but the fact that she won't choose me over him makes me wonder if what we have can ever really be something and if I can be the guy she wants me to be.
- And then there's Wednesday night, which has made me realize that perhaps I'm not ready to be in a relationship, that I want more.
The truth is, I want to know that I have options, but I want stability as well. I want to be able to travel and to pack up my whole life and move halfway across the world if that's where my life takes me, but I also want to come home to Mrs X and raise our little family. But I know these two visions cannot be reconciled. So where does this leave me? In the same position as that damn relish fork: stuck between two options.
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